Our little baboon babies
"I must not have enough milk; my baby cries every time I put her down."
As a hospital lactation consultant, I hear some version of this from new parents every day.
It’s not your milk. Our culture has so effectively taught us that babies sleep in cribs away from us that we automatically think something is wrong with us (and our milk) when our babies inevitably don't do that. There is nothing wrong with you. To help you understand why, let’s take a trip to the zoo.
We’re headed right to the primate area. There we see a group of baboons, with a few baby baboons among them. The cute little baby baboons are in their mother's arms, nursing or sleeping. As you watch this sweet scene, do you think, "Huh...I wonder why that mama baboon is constantly carrying her baby"? Of course you don’t, because we know that it’s normal for baboons to carry their babies all day long. The moms just go about their day - resting, socializing, eating - all while holding their babies. This is one of the main characteristics of “carry mammals.”
We like to think that as humans, we are different. The truth is, we are mammals. Specifically, we are “carry mammals”, just like baboons, gibbons, apes, and gorillas.
Let's talk about what it means to be a carry mammal. The babies of carry mammals are not developmentally ready to be alone. They have almost no defenses against predators. They cannot walk, climb or fight; all they can do is make noise to alert their caregivers that they are in danger.
This is very different from other mammals, such as deer. A baby deer is born able to run to escape from predators and can therefore be left alone for many hours. Deer are "cache mammals", and it is biologically normal for them to leave their infants for long stretches, knowing that they will be safe.
The other characteristic that determines how different mammals interact with their young is milk composition. The milk of baboons and humans is relatively low in fat, necessitating more frequent feeds in order for our babies to grow and develop appropriately. This is in contrast to the milk of a rabbit, which is about 3 times higher in fat, allowing for longer feeding intervals. The ability of a baby rabbit to run and the fattier milk allow rabbit moms to leave their babies alone.
Even though we think nothing of a baby baboon being carried all day by it’s mom, the characteristics of carry mammals can be really hard for us to accept when we are talking about humans. This is not our fault. From day one we are warned that holding our baby too much will “spoil them” and then they will always be dependent on us. Again, would we think this about baboons?
We have also been trained to believe that our babies not only should be able to sleep away from us, they must. Your nurses and doctors at the hospital and at your pediatric office probably told you "Never, EVER sleep with your baby." The implication is that your baby might die if you do.
Understandably, given these really scary messages from trusted health care professionals, we try VERY hard to get our babies to sleep away from us. And when they don’t do this for more than a few minutes (again, biology), we assume something is wrong with us as parents. We also assume something is wrong with breastfeeding. We must not have enough milk. Our milk must not be “good enough.”
Our culture tells us to fight our biology and act like cache mammals (like deer and rabbits) and this is where the friction is created.
I want new parents to imagine themselves as baboons. What does it take to be a baboon family? It takes a mindset shift and a willingness to break from cultural norms. Baboons do not question their milk quality or quantity, they don’t watch the clock in an attempt to “get their baby on a schedule”, and they think nothing of carrying and nursing their baby throughout the day.
I know this is not easy. In order to be a baboon family we are not only breaking from our culture’s norms (be prepared to upset quite a few people when you do this), but we cannot do it alone. Just like the new baboon parents who have a community of supportive baboons, we also need to find our support. Likely this will be a mixture of family, friends, a doula or nanny, neighbors, coworkers and other new parents. Find your people. They are out there.
Step by step, start trusting your baby and yourself. Your little baboon baby is biologically wired to be held by you, or another caregiver, in order to feel protected. We don’t live among predators anymore, but your baby’s brain does not know that and no amount of “training” will change that fact. Peace comes from acceptance of this.
