You know what they say about assumptions…
When I became a new mom at the age of 29, I had already earned a degree, worked multiple jobs, bought a house with my husband and started a successful small business. My husband was as committed to equality as I was, and we shared everything 50/50.
To say that having a baby turned everything upside down would be an understatement. Suddenly, I was home all the time, with very few adult interactions, and no longer feeling like myself. I loved my son fiercely, but I was also unmoored by motherhood.
I was feeling like a failure at this whole stay-at-home-mom thing. On a good day, the most I could “achieve” was throwing a load of laundry into the washer and taking a shower. On the other hand, my husband, Franz, after staying home for a week after our son was born, headed back to work full-time and restarted his work life right where he had left it.
Franz was super engaged when he got home in the evening; doing lots of hands on care with our son. The evening was my time to “get something done”; finishing that laundry I started earlier and trying to keep up with all the other things that go into running a household.
I told myself that since I was home all day, I should be able to take care of our son, myself and our household without any difficulty. This was not what was happening.
I was struggling to keep anything together, and felt like a failure. As much as Franz wanted to help, and could tell that I was struggling, he really didn’t know what to do other than change diapers, do dishes and help with getting our son to bed.
To be fair, I did not know what he could do either.
Over the years, and with the addition of our second son, this pattern continued. It felt like Franz and I were two ships passing in the night. Our relationship was all about taking care of the kids and the house, and we almost never had a real conversation about how we could support each other.
So in the absence of meaningful communication, we would make up stories about each other and believe them to be true.
For example, if I was quiet and withdrawn from Franz as he was getting ready for work in the morning, he would assume that I was angry at him and would tell himself a reason, such as “I didn’t get up in the middle of the night to change [insert child’s name]’s diaper and she had to do it, so now she’s mad at me.”
His assumption that I was mad at him over a diaper change created resentment on his part, making him feel under-appreciated for all the things that he was doing. He then doubled down on the story that I was mad about a diaper change, leading me to feel his resentment. I would then come up with my own story about why I was feeling resentment from him.
After this went on frequently enough, one of us would eventually start an argument about something, and all of this bottled up resentment would come out of both of us.
Exhausting, right?
So what’s the solution to avoiding all of this relationship-damaging assumption-making?
The regular and scheduled check-in.
This is a time that couples build into their day to make sure that they are communicating their feelings and thoughts with each other in an effective way. The key is to have a structure and to add it to your calendar the way you would schedule anything else important to you, such as a dentist appointment or your kid’s soccer game.
Start with setting aside 10 minutes a day. You may be surprised how much you can communicate if you are deliberate about your time together. If a daily practice feels unrealistic for you, try a weekly practice at first.
Make sure that your distractions are not around you, meaning no phones, work, or children. For parents with young children, it can be challenging to find space in the day for this. Consider doing this once the kids are in bed, or having them watch a video while you talk. If you work from home, you may be able to carve out 10 minutes over your lunch hour or during a child’s nap. Get creative about what might work for you.
OK, so now that you’ve carved out this time, what are you supposed to talk about? I suggest starting with 3-4 questions that feel meaningful to both of you. Here are some examples to get you started:
What was the best part of your day today?
What are you feeling grateful for today?
What did I do to make you feel cared for today/this week?
How would you like me to care for you tomorrow/in the coming week?
What is one thing that I say or do that really makes you feel special?
How can we plan for some “us” time this week?
What has been on your mind today that you’d like to talk with me about?
Take turns answering the questions that you’ve chosen. When it’s your turn to listen, stay quiet and pay attention. Resist the urge to go into “fix it” mode, unless that is what your partner is asking for. Instead, validate your partner’s experience/feeling by saying something like “I can understand why you might feel that way.” It’s always good to repeat back what you think you heard. This ensures that we are hearing the intended message, and helps our partner to feel truly heard.
It’s never too late to start this connection practice. For Franz and I, we didn’t start until our kids were grown and living on their own. I don’t suggest waiting that long.
For couples that don’t have kids, or are expecting kids in the future, now is the time to start building this habit together.
For people with kids, not only are you improving your emotional connection with your partner, you are also modeling healthy communication to your kids. Even if they are not in the room with you, they’ll notice what you are doing and will learn that relationships are worth setting aside time for.
Finally, I suggest that at the end of each connection practice, you thank each other for taking the time to build closeness. The vulnerability of sharing your true feelings with your partner may feel hard at times, but your relationship will grow stronger by the day and those unhelpful assumptions won’t be so eager to creep in.
