Making room for our partners to step up.
You know that stereotype of the bumbling dad who can’t manage to get the kids fed or dressed without some kind of disaster occurring? It makes for a funny meme or comedy sketch, but have you considered that the idea behind this joke may be creating an imbalance in your relationship, leading to resentment and frustration?
Before we had kids, my husband and I happily shared responsibilities in a pretty equal way. Then we started a family, and we assumed that the equality would just continue without us having to do anything different. Like many things in parenting, this did not go as planned.
It’s not that you can’t have equality in your relationship after kids. However, in order to do so, you will probably need to be intentional about it.
If you’re not intentional, you may end up with a dynamic that feels unbalanced and dysfunctional. Let me explain how a lack of intention played out for my husband and I after our kids were born.
I was a stay-at-home mom, and exclusively breastfeeding. I was spending all day and night with our sons. I knew them like the back of my hand. Gradually, I started to feel like I was the “expert” parent.
In contrast, because my husband was away from them all day, I started to see him as the less knowledgable parent. I started to correct him if he did something “wrong”, aka different from me.
And seeing him this way meant that he started seeing himself that way. My husband was essentially in the role of the bumbling apprentice.
It doesn’t help that we see this dynamic everywhere; in movies, TV shows, in a comedian’s stand-up routine and maybe even in our own family. The dad is the helpless parent who can’t be trusted with the kids for more than a few minutes.
I became resentful of my husband’s backseat role, and his assumption that I would be taking the lead on everything child-related. Where was my equal partner, who was confident in his parenting and contributed to the family in meaningful ways?
The irony is that although I wanted equality, I had helped to create a dynamic where I was “in charge.”
The truth is, without meaning to, my husband and I had created this dynamic together. Neither of us were happy with it. We both felt frustrated and resentful.
I eventually realized that if I wanted my husband to FEEL and ACT like a competent parent, I would have to step off my throne of “expert parent” and watch him figure stuff out. He might struggle a bit, but in the end he would find his own way.
And isn’t that what we want both for ourselves and our partners? To grow and learn and find who we are as parents?
So how do we get there? The solution is good communication.
When a relationship pattern evolves over time and remains unaddressed for years, not only is a lot of damage done, but it’s harder to address once you do start talking about it.
So, wherever you are in your parenting journey, I encourage you to bring this up with your partner NOW.
Not sure where to start? You can take turns answering these questions with each other:
How do you see me as a parent?
How do you see yourself as a parent?
What kind of parent do you want to be?
How can I support you so you can be the parent you want to be?
Are there ways that I make it harder for you to parent the way you want?
Our culture still considers the mom to be the “default primary parent.” So, for many male-female couples, they’ll need to purposefully go against this cultural norm in order to create the dynamic they both desire.
Doing things differently from our culture isn’t easy, but the reality is that the whole family deserves better. Moms deserve to have true partners in parenting. Dads deserve to be seen as capable. Kids deserve happy parents who can model a healthy relationship.
We know our kids are watching. Let’s show them a better way.
