Partners have questions about breastfeeding.
When a woman goes through a pregnancy, she experiences every bit of it in her body as well as her mind. All the baby hiccups, stretches and wiggles. All the heartburn, frequent peeing and constipation. Although her partner is aware of this from the outside, it is a completely different experience for the two of them. These differences also play out during breastfeeding.
Over just the last few generations, the partner’s role has drastically changed. They’re now expected to be in the delivery room (and playing an active role) and to be a fully contributing co-parent.
But what exactly is their role, specifically during the breastfeeding journey? What are our expectations of our partners, and what do they expect for themselves?
We’ve told them to be there, to show up, to be A PARTICIPANT, but without anyone actually understanding what that truly means.
Groups of moms have been coming together to share their experiences and learn from one another for all of human history, but this type of parenting support is rare for their partners. They are essentially left to figure this out on their own.
If we want fully contributing partners, we need to invite them into the conversation. We need to encourage them to share their struggles, questions and concerns.
When partners are invited to share, these are some common concerns that come up:
not feeling bonded to their new child
feeling like an outsider when their partner is breastfeeding
feeling like the less preferred parent during the baby years
feeling like they can’t do anything right, or that they don’t know what to do
They often feel too ashamed to voice these thoughts, but they’re valid and deserving of honest and thoughtful discussions.
Over the years, I’ve gotten a number of questions from partners. Let’s dive into some of them.
How can I be more involved with breastfeeding?
Breastfeeding is a full-time job, and one that can be quite tricky to learn in the early days. Supporting your partner will give her the ability to rest and the time and energy to feed the baby.
Here are some things that you can do to help:
Housework, cooking, and errands. Also, consider hiring a cleaner, postpartum doula or using a meal delivery service.
Consider organizing a meal train. Many of your friends and family would love to help by feeding you!
Between breastfeeds, hold your baby. Keep them skin to skin with you or wear your baby in a carrier while you take a walk or get chores done.
Bring your partner delicious food and drinks. Breastfeeding is hungry and thirsty work!
Offer your partner a foot or shoulder massage. Sitting and nursing for many hours every day can create tight muscles.
Do as many diaper changes as possible!
After feeds, take your baby for burping and settling.
Learn about breastfeeding - how milk is made, how latching works and what breastfeeding means to mom and baby. There are lots of great books, videos, podcasts, classes and articles out there.
Let go of the idea that you can “fix” every problem. Your partner may struggle. Your job is to be there to listen and offer support.
Offer gratitude. It may feel a bit cheesy, but sometimes your partner needs to hear appreciation and praise. If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, do this regularly!
Find out where you can go for breastfeeding support. That could be a lactation consultant at your pediatric office or in private practice. That could be through WIC or your health department. It could be a local peer support group.
Bottle feeding. Your partner may or may not want this, especially in the early days. Ask how they would feel about it.
Don’t underestimate how influential your support is. It will make an enormous difference to the experience and continuation of breastfeeding.
I want to help my partner who is struggling with breastfeeding. Is giving bottles the answer?
Maybe. Maybe not. The first question should be, is this what your partner wants?
If the decision is made to have you give a bottle, this will allow your partner time and space to get more rest, which should be the priority. Everything is harder when you’re not sleeping. An uninterrupted block of 4-5 hours can make a big difference for mental health.
In addition to a relief bottle, consider calling a lactation consultant so that you can understand the source of the struggle and have a guide for navigating the difficulty.
Every time I hold the baby, he cries. He just wants to go back to the boob. How can I help settle my baby?
It’s true, the boob will solve most of your baby’s problems. It may take you some time to find your thing to soothe your baby, so be patient. Start slowly with short increments of time, and as your confidence builds, go for longer periods. Over time, you’ll create your own strategies and routines.
Here are some ideas for you to start with:
Rocking, bouncing, swaying. Rhythmic movement is a great way to help your baby regulate their nervous system.
Music or singing. Don’t feel confined to nursery rhymes - sing or play your favorites!
Talking to your baby. About anything! Tell them a story about your day, or tell family stories.
Reading books. It doesn’t have to be a baby book!
Baby wearing. Find a good video or grab a friend who is a baby wearing expert to show you how.
Skin to skin. You may feel reluctant at first, but trust me, once you allow yourself to settle in, the bonding will be top notch.
Going outside for a walk. Babies usually love the fresh air and all the sights and sounds.
Bathtime.
Baby massage. Seek out a good video, book or class.
Don’t think that you have to be “just like mom” in order to settle your baby. Be yourself and find what’s authentic. Be open to making mistakes and don’t expect perfection. You will learn what you’re good at in time.
Try to start with the times when your baby is more settled. If late afternoon or evening is a “witching hour”, maybe this is not the best time to find your confidence.
Finally, don’t take it personally if your baby just wants the boob or if your partner can soothe your baby more easily. It’s common to feel this as rejection or jealousy. This phase (like all phases in childhood) is temporary, and one day the preferred parent will probably be you.
I feel weird when my partner breastfeeds in public. I’m worried that she’s going to get rude looks.
First, know that this is a common concern for both parents. Most of us don’t grow up seeing breastfeeding, and breasts are often seen in a sexual light.
Check in with your partner and ask how you can support her when she’s nursing in public. Ask her what she would want you to do if there was a rude look or comment, so you can understand what would be most helpful.
Lots of nursing parents like to begin nursing in public in a “safer” space, such as around other breastfeeding parents.
Breastfeeding didn’t work out and my partner is struggling to come to terms with that. How do I support her?
First, let’s talk next about what not to do.
Try to avoid platitudes like “Fed is best” and “It doesn’t matter how our child is fed” and “Lots of people are formula fed, and they’re fine.” This will only dismiss her feelings. While she may be grateful that there is another way to feed her baby, she is also grieving a loss and deserves support.
What she needs from you is to validate her feelings. They’re real and she needs them to be recognized by the people around her.
Hold the space for her to move through her feelings, without you trying to fix them. It may feel like you’re not doing anything, but being there is all she needs. Grieving takes time and you can’t rush it.
Talking with a mental health professional can be helpful in navigating these complex feelings. Is she open to therapy? Are you concerned that she may be experiencing a postpartum mood disorder? Postpartum Support International is an incredible resource that links parents with support groups and counselors.
Our plan was for my partner to breastfeed for 1 year. The year is up, and my partner wants to continue and she’s not sure when she wants to stop. I want to support her but I feel uncomfortable with our toddler breastfeeding.
In this culture, we don’t see a lot of breastfeeding, and we see even less in toddlerhood. It’s natural to feel weird about something that you know almost nothing about.
First, understand that there are continued health benefits (for mom and child) to nursing beyond the first 12 months. Groups like the WHO encourage breastfeeding into toddlerhood and beyond.
Next, open communication up with your partner about this. Approach the conversation with curiosity, and ask lots of questions. Try to see things from her perspective. Ask her what breastfeeding means to her.
It’s important to examine why you feel uncomfortable. For some people, seeing an older baby breastfeeding can bring up confusing feelings since we think of breasts as sexual objects. There’s nothing wrong with you if this is the case - you are a product of the culture that you grew up in.
Finally, understand that putting pressure on your partner to wean probably won’t go well and could damage your relationship with your partner as well as your toddler. Weaning may also take away a tool that helps your toddler with emotional regulation. Before ending breastfeeding, you should both consider whether you’re ready to remove that tool.
How do I handle negative comments from family members about breastfeeding?
Setting boundaries with family can be really difficult. This is another great conversation to have with your partner. How do these comments make her feel? How would she feel best supported by you? She may want you to help her hold a boundary or she may want you to just listen to her as she processes this.
From day one of becoming parents, we are put in situations where boundaries are tested. How you and your partner handle this will be unique to your family. Your partner may ask you to act as gatekeeper, especially during the really vulnerable periods, like the immediate postpartum.
Navigating parenthood brings many challenges. You definitely won’t agree on everything, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You are different people, having your own unique experience of parenting.
Instead of trying to agree on everything, make it a priority to communicate with thoughtfulness and curiosity. When you do this regularly, you grow together and you model a healthy relationship for your child.
